adieux: a farewelll to 2023
every year is different, but 2023 is more different than other years. no two years are the same, but the preceding years are similar in the sense that I interact with the same set of people and conditions throughout the year, the start not very different from the end. they are monolithic and squares of paint placed neatly and prevented from smearing in a watercolor box, while 2023 is a hologram. a technicolor. a time, a place, and a dimension where you mix things more often than you keep them seperate and safe. from what anyways.
I have never been more independent and alone than in 2023, and during those times I discover a bunch of new things about myself, thanks to the books I read, the movies I watched, the songs I listened to, and most importantly, the people I interacted with. I know I probably cursed america a lot when I first got here, but I have to admit, the country itself transformed me from an overthinker to a doer. so far, it's been a liberating experience.
I learned more about my own gender and sexuality. iykyk (wink). and also other people's gender and sexuality. I dived off the block into a 4m pool. I skied (very unsuccessfully). I wrote (better) lab reports (I still not get sig figs <3). I tried to not skip meals. I passed the driving theory test. I conjugated french verbs and decided that this language cannot count without choking itself. I navigated the airport by myself. I understood why people have kids, and the importance of family. I learned how to make and keep friends in my life. I understood that a social life look different for everyone, and you don't need to try so hard to prove that you have one. I learned to swim. I learned to sit. I learned to take care of myself (and others).
with every single thing down the line, I gain a little more faith in myself and slowly understand that.
it is possible.
the prospects of fears
the prospects of fear is that it starts out with me thinking if I don't do this, this terrible thing will happen to me (thankfully, nothing really did). however, towards the end of every fear, I realize that a better way to think about things is once I have overcome this fear, I will be able to do this.
once I learned how to navigate the airport, I can be more confident about studying abroad in europe and solo adventures in the future. once I learned how to dive, I can see the ocean from below and be a part of it. once I learned how to live with myself, I can live anywhere, anytime, with any means, and it will be a rewarding experience.
neither us nor them, or dissolving the fabric of identity
the fun part about travelling is how it's like playing geocaching. you find bits of yourself everywhere around the world. the more I travel and the more I hang out with people different from me, I realize that we are neither vietnamese, american, or french, but we are all a citizen of the world. I am a voyager of no fixed abode. but why should that be a problem? home needless to be a fixed point on the map of the world, as we can make anywhere home. I am pretty sure many teachers and friends that I have back in english lessons, high school, and university can say the same thing about it.
nil and what you can do about it
nothingness is a feeling that I've been experiencing more and more towards the end of this year. I've learned to not run away from it.
emotions, especially boredom, are like quicksand. the more you struggle, the quicker you sink. there were moments on long flights that I want to explode. we have been told to try our best our whole life, but there are moments where it is best to give up and quit fighting.
our mind often rambles like an ape jumping branches, ceaselessly. ideas have thousands of gos and returns, hence we are drawn and forever lost in a forgotten world. if we can transform the path we are walking on into a meditation walk, our feet automatically walk with mindfulness, our breathe is followed and assimilated with our footsteps, and our heart and soul returns to a calm and relaxed state.
— thich nhat hanh, present moment, wonderful moment (or lotus blooms with every step in vietnamese)
he's so cool he turned laziness into a virtue. in fact, he even made a day for it. lazy day, or when you have 0 things to do and let the day unfold by itself. think about this as the buddhist version of the christian sabbath, except that you have to do less worshipping and pretty much just enjoy yourself.
even if the world ends tomorrow, we have to admit that the universe doesn't give a fuck. extictions were not unethical before humans. only we care if we're gone. so when we still can, enjoy.
FLEA MARKET
I can call this part appendices but I hate being too academic and scholarly. maybe see the name as my way to celebrate my love for thrifting.
it is nothing much, just me looking back at the marvelous works that I watched and read that made me realize that it is possible. I probably won't come back to them for a while. however, I do hope some of them would end up being a part of your 2024. at the end of the day, that's what I love about flea market. a man's trash is another man's treasure, in the most sustainable way possible.
I could have included places I've been to this year as well, but it'd be too long for this post. also, I've already written posts on it. you can find them here
I read 52 books this year. in the end, I was basically out of time, so I cheated with 7 volumes of goodnight punpun. I also added some manhua that I read to scooch closer to the number 52 that I set. I know those wouldn't be counted as "books" but I was just desperate to meet the challenge :^) I was doing college after all, lads
john green, your paper towns started my lifelong obsession with barren landscapes and the tranquility that it promises. this, together with the 1975's about you, served as my sedative and getaway during ib examination period. looking for alaska feeded me with cool last words, which I'll always be grateful for.
japanese authors, or keigo, murakami, ichikawa, yagisawa, mishima, and yes, the genius asano behind goodnight punpun, I don't know what will become of my summer and winter breaks without you. although I'm neither experts nor critics, I can guarantee that no one can convey the themes of sex and suicide as naked and calming as you: a surrealist's work at its finest without sacrificing depths. I have this rule with myself where I reserve their books solely for breaks, as only their books would be able to kickstart my breaks right.
the brothers karamazov, thank you so much for touching a part of my brain that no brain scanner is capable of. dostoevsky has sparkled within me a curiosity for humanity and turning points in history that nothing else compares to. henry miller, I do remember the night I sat down to read dostoevsky for the first time. it was because of vonnegut's slaughterhouse five. I light dalat retro's candle, and the book with the candle alone would be tied together in my memories of summer time.
alice oseman! heartstopper came just in time before I came to college, which is such a wild and gay place, which I love. in case you don't know this, your books has a special spot in our bookshop store <3 I swooned
andrew hui, thank you for making my brain bleed over aphorisms and the likes. art can be short and absurd. I will raise a toast to you for that fact.
thoreau and rousseau, thank you for being my intro to ancient texts. walden and civil disobedience are very zen. rousseau, you know I would have liked the socail contract better if you cut down on his part on how this general will thing can't fail </3 of course it can and it did
tom felton, thank you for showing me that books don't have to be packed with 10 dollar words. beyond the wand came just in time after my brain has been raped with heavy content, and its clarity, simplicity, and honesty have always been my favorite parts about it. this really helped me detach on my toxic crush on draco and appreciate the real tom and normality as a part of daily life.
historians and biographers, or faust, rowley, schwartz, (and soon buchanan), thank you for growing my interest in history. for faust and buchanan, I was happy to see part of my country's history studied and written from a fresh and more objective point of view, which is neither vietnam nor america, but humanity's bird-eye view. for rowley, this serves well as an intimate rebooter into existentialism ever since I left off sarah bakewell's at the existentialist cafe. têtê-à-têtê showed me that we only see people we admire as what we want to believe in, not what they actually are. for schwartz, I've read both anatomy and immortality in 3 days. your ability to stretch the story in time and space is insane, and it's the little details about the setting and elements of history that makes your books a pleasure to read.
I know I've been pretty obscure up above so here is the list for reference
- paper towns, john green
- journey under the midnight sun, higashino keigo
- kafka on the shore, haruki murakami (yes it was from 2022 but I will include it anyways)
- be with you, takuji ichikawa
- days at the morisaki bookshop, satoshi yagisawa
- temple of the golden pavilion, yukio mishima
- the brothers karamazov, fyodor dostoevsky
- heartstopper, alice oseman
- a theory of the aphorism: from confucius to twitter, andrew hui (for your severe insomnia)
- walden, henry david thoreau
- civil disobedience, henry david thoreau
- the social contract, jean-jacques rousseau
- beyond the wand, tom felton
- necessary trouble: growing up at midcentury, drew gilpin faust
- têtê-à-têtê: the tumultuous lives and loves of simone de beauvoir and jean-paul sartre (wow that's a long title), hazel rowley
- goodnight punpun, inio asano (duolingo wishes you bonne nuit!)
- anatomy: a love story, dana schwartz
- immortality: a love story, dana schwartz
stall ii. movies
once I was done with ib exams, I binge watched movies like there is no tomorrow. once I got to college, I also binge watched really heavily on the weekend. I feel like I did a terrible job keeping track of the movies I've watched as I don't have something like goodreads but for movies. so here, I did my best to retrieve all that I've watched from memory.
all the series and saga
harry potter, well yes you'd be surprised to hear this but I only finish watching the entire series for the first time this summer. before that I've only watched the first movie years back.
twilight, jokes aside, this is my fucking comfort movie. it reminds me of the good old times and the more I rewatch it the more I appreciate its comedic side.
50 shades of grey, wow thank you for showing me how not to do human relationships
lord of the rings, can you believe that I watched all of them (9+ hours long) in one day? when they ask me how I did that, my answer is x1.5 speed. tolkien's affinity for a normal life and botany, together with the film's impeccable and breathtaking cinematography in new zealand got it into the S tier in my tier list.
the hunger games, I also binge watched this in 3 days because I want to understand the newest movie. long love katniss everdeen! another reason why I watch this movie is thanks to lorde's yellow flicker beat about katniss.
and the singles
anastasia, 10/10, I am a simp for anastasia's independence, dmitri, and definitely once upon a december
barbie, 4/10, I am not used to overhyped films and I also feel like this movie tries too hard to be feminist. it may be fun, however, I don't retain anything after finish watching the movie.
little women, 8/10, better and less extreme than barbie. when people are out there shipping jo and laurie or laurie and amy, I'm here listening to beth and jo scene with taylor's marjorie playing in the background.
oppenheimer, 9/10, but could be better if they cut the dialogues shorter. my favorite phrase must be "I am become death, destroyer of worlds"
forrest gump, 8/10, I don't like the representation of vietnam and jenny's redemption arc is quite unrealistic to me at times
paris, texas, 8/10, the pace of the movie is a bit slow for me, but the screenwriting is impeccable and the cinematography is flawless. I love the palette and the aesthetics that the movie have
asteroid city, 10/10, S tier, and for personal reasons. wes anderson's narration styles and indie kitsch aesthetic came off as abysmal to many, but I genuinely love the slapstick acting and random questions. NO FUCKING SMALL TALK! my utopia. just the absurdity and idleness of not trying to convey a specific message make this movie really laid back and unlike disney movies, which have to have something. as a person wearing all black, asteroid city planted within me a yearning to wear pastel colors as if I'm living in the 1950s. also, I have a passion for astronomy and enjoy high-brow quirky games, so I really felt at home with the junior stargazers.
red, white, and royal blue, 10/10, also a movie I watched on board together with asteroid city and forrest gump. realistic character development, although some characters may be too ideal to be true for now for me. I also enjoy the characters' lines and smart jokes that are scattered around the movie like easter eggs.
"he grabbed my hair in a way that made me understand the difference between rugby and football"
"people I date don't interest me, and the people who interest me, I can't date"
"but there is another truth that's much simpler: I fell in love with a person who happens to be a man, and that man happens to be a prince. he has captured my heart and made my life immeasureably better. I love his royal highness, prince henry george edward james hanover-stuart fox"
howl's moving castle, 10/10, we stan howl and ghibli films, the rest is history
the boy and the heron, 8/10, I'm not going to forget the fact that the parakeet looks like duolingo coming out live from the screen to butcher me for not doing french
I hope that concludes 2023 and gives you some neat resolution and recommendations for 2024! thank you for reading this far and I hope that 2024 shall be a pleasant and full of experiences as a year for us <3
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